Since my last post, I had a baby! Whew…I honestly didn’t think that pregnancy would ever end! It was the absolute hardest season I’ve ever walked through. Sickness. Depression. Disconnect. Isolation. Loneliness. Tears. Lots. Of. Tears.
But through those hard months, my faith grew. I fell in love with the Lord like I never had before. I learned to lean on Him. To rest in Him. And to trust Him. He brought me to a dark place so that I could see His light. I won’t recap all of that, but if you want to know more about those months….look back at the last two posts.
So, here I am now. I have a 10 week old. The most precious 10 week old baby girl in the world! I call her my little blessing that I didn’t know I needed. But God knew. I tear up just thinking about God’s love poured out in the form of my sweet Libby. Since her birth, I have felt more and more like myself. The depression has turned into joy. The disconnect has been reconnected. The isolation and loneliness have been replaced with friendships. And the tears have become tears of happiness, not sadness. I am in awe of how God brought me through a valley and is leading me to a mountain top. I knew He would, but I just didn’t think it would take 10 months!!! His timing is definitely not our timing, and that’s what I want to talk about today.
I’ve been struggling lately with the question…..”what now?” For the past year, I’ve felt a tug to do something more. I love being a stay at home mom….but I’m having a hard time feeling fulfilled in that. I’m just being real. From 7am-2pm, I have conversations with my 2 month old that consist of “goo-goo, gaa-gaa.” My routine has become: straighten up the house, change a diaper, take a nap with the baby, change a diaper, see if there’s anything on TV, scroll through social media, change a diaper, pick up the big kids from school, get homework done, take them where they need to go, wait for Daddy to get home, eat dinner, get everyone ready for bed. And then I lay in bed and think….what was my purpose today? I mean, sure, I kept all 3 kids alive. That’s an accomplishment in itself. But is there something more? Who am I outside of “Mama” and “Wifey”?? I’m not saying that those roles aren’t good enough…..and I’m not saying that I don’t see a purpose in them….I do! But my heart longs for something more. I want to find purpose outside of the walls of my home. I want to feel like I’m making a difference. I want to contribute to my family’s finances. I want to take some pressure off of my hard working husband. I want adult conversation, for crying out loud!!!
I’ve been praying that God would show me what He wants me to do. I’ve prayed that He would open doors, and that He would make His will very clear! And you know what? He has. Over and over again. In the quiet moments with Him. He reminds me to just trust Him. He reminds me that He has me at home for a reason. This is His will for me right now. This is my mission field. He knows the desires of my heart, and He has a plan to meet those desires. But right now. Today. This is where I’m supposed to be. Sitting in my keeping room, under a leopard blanket, listening to the baby swing creak back and forth, resting in the fact that God is in control. I read something earlier on Facebook and I want to share it with you:
“Stop frantically searching for God’s will; start frantically searching for God Himself. And as you do, trust that He will bear the responsibility to show you what He wants you to do and how He wants you to do it. He will speak through His Holy Spirit and His Word to reveal Himself to you, realign you to His perspective, and refocus you on His purposes. Do your part, and let Him do His.”
I was talking to a friend yesterday about this very topic. She was telling me that she felt like she was supposed to be doing something more. Like maybe go on a mission trip or something. And I gave her some advice that I haven’t even taken myself. I told her that we don’t have to go across the country or overseas to find a mission. Our mission field is where we are today. In our home. At the gym. Shopping at Walmart. In our workplace. There are people that we come across everyday that need to know God’s love. And when we’re obedient in sharing God’s love with everyone we come in contact with, then we’ll find fulfillment and purpose. God doesn’t want us frantically searching for something more. He just wants us to search for Him and to let Him lead us through our day.
My heart longs for something more…..but God just wants me to content with where He has me right now. There’s a purpose. And that purpose is to love and encourage those around me.
You may be the only light someone sees today. Shine bright!
~Tonya
Stressed, Blessed, and a bit Hot-Messed 