I’ve been wanting to share about this topic for a while now, but wasn’t quite ready for the transparency that goes along with it. {I’m still not quite ready, but ready or not…..}

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with friendships. Growing up in a divorced home with little money made me hungry for approval from peers. All I ever wanted was to be accepted with the “in crowd.” Popularity is something that I wanted more than anything! But I was never willing to compromise my beliefs or morals. And that’s what set me apart. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back, I know that God set me apart for a reason. It was so hard. Being a girl, in junior high and high school, I just wanted girlfriends. I wanted to be invited to every slumber party, house party, birthday party, senior party. But I wasn’t. Even now, I look at the friendships that have carried over into married life. Some of the girls I grew up with are still best friends and now their kids and husbands are best friends. I find myself sometimes feeling resentful at not having those lifelong friendships. The one best friend that I did have growing up, didn’t even want to be in my wedding when I asked her. It. Crushed. Me. To. The. Core.

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends throughout my life. But because of moves, those close friendships are now long-distance friendships. Which means, we don’t talk much….or see each other much. However, they are meaningful friendships, and I know that if I needed them, they’d be there in a MINUTE! I’ve left a piece of my heart behind with every move. Sometimes I think that’s a negative thing. I look at Facebook and wonder “Why don’t I have that close knit group of friends?”…..”Why has God forced those friendships to an end?”…..”Why can’t I have long term friendships like so-and-so?”

But….God reminds me that it’s not about quantity…it’s about quality. What is the quality of my friendships? And some friendships are just for a season. But most importantly…what friendships stand in the way of my friendship with the Lord????? This is something that I’ve really started asking myself over the past year. Am I totally obsessed with having a group of girlfriends? Yes, I was. But little by little, the Lord revealed that some of those friendships  were toxic to my personal and spiritual life. Guarding my heart was more important than giving my heart to any and every girlfriend that came into my life.

It’s no coincidence that over the past week, my quiet times with the Lord have been about friendship. Not friendship with other people, but friendship with the Lord. Above all, that’s what really matters. If you’re like me, then you know that being friends with “someone you can’t see” is really hard. Like, REALLY hard. But just because I can’t see Him, doesn’t mean that I can’t feel him. His friendship is more real than any friendship I’ve ever had.

It’s still hard sometimes. I still crave physical interaction with girlfriends. I still get down when I see Facebook highlight reels of amazing friendships. But when I start feeling that way, I ask…..”God, what are you trying to show me through this?” And every time His response is…..”Tonya, I am more than enough for you.”

Yes, Lord. You are.

Goodnight friends!


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